I don’t like exercise. At all. And I basically managed to avoid it till my mid 20’s when I joined a gym for the first time. But my workouts only lasted bout 10 minutes on average and went like this:
(after successful lift)
Me: Yo, Ju see that? Yo, I am STRONG.
Exit gym
(after unsuccessful lift)
Me: Yo, Ju see that? Yo, these weights are BROKEN.
Exit gym.
I recently signed up for a competition this September that may end badly. Badly for my face and general everything. And I have been told that I have to put in real hours in the gym and at the track if I’m not gonna end up doing the paraplegic mambo come autumn. Mostly though I’m concerned bout my soundtrack.
See, cuz the music they play at the gym; your gym, my gym, everybody’s gym, is designed for assholes. Loud-ass, bass thump douche face asshole music. This works out though cuz 80 percent of the world population and 99.9 percent of the gym going public are douche heads. Research has proven this. So what do you do if you (and I am going to assume this is true for you) are not in fact a suckish douche bomb? You are going to have to formulate a playlist for your MP3 player that will aide your workout. Allow me to help. ALLOW IT.
You got to play something mid-tempo to warm up with. You just do. I like to get started with some folk country business. Lately I have been listening to songs from “Working Man’s Dead” by the Dead during this period, I but I have had success with some slower Rockabilly too. Gene Vincent was on the rotation not long ago, though his music makes me wanna get several dozen drinks and walk with a cool limp rather than do push-ups. “Gentlemen” by Afghan Whigs works. Anything to ease you into the realization that you are in the gym now for at least an hour.
Now that you got your heart rates up, it’s time to get down. It is time to blast your glutes, son. Now is no time for subtlety or progressive jazz. Pick the fastest nastiest songs by your stupidest favorite groups. Anything by the Cro-Mags is gonna get it done here, “Age of Quarrel” would be best. Any Oi! is going to carry you also. I like a live 4-Skins album cuz you can actually feel yourself getting stupider as you get stronger listening to it. Basically what I am getting at is you need stuff with a quick beat and lyrics that don’t provoke anything approaching rational thought. What is needed here is strictly fight or flight music. To make it simple, ask you self two questions about any selection you’re in doubt about:
1) Is it about the Struggle?
2) Is it about the Streets?
If yes, then lift to it. If no, keep looking.
Finally is the cool down period. This period, being the last, I consider least important. Instead of stretching I usually wind down a workout session by either lying flat on my back and groaning, or lying flat on my back and farting, sometimes both. Either way you need something suitably soothing. I like Side A of Dinosaur Jr.’s “Your Living All Over Me”, but you get the vibe I’m driving at. Something loud enough to drown out your whimpers but soft enough that you can hear yourself rip ass. That’s important.
The following is a sample of a typical workout mix for me, feel free to take notes:
Billy Bragg, “Life’s a Riot With Spy Vs. Spy” – Pretty much the whole thing. Socialism helps my chin-ups.
Bob Dylan, “The Ballad of Hollis Brown” – Good for running.
Warzone, “United Worldwide” – What did I say earlier? It’s about the streets and the struggle. Do squats to it.
Misfits, “We Are 138″ – I have no fuckin’ idea what this is about. Robots I think. Robots are strong.
Hookers, “Kiss My Fuckin Ass” – Hell yeah. Not about the streets, or a struggle. But hell yeah.
Olivia Newton John, “Let’s Get Physical” – What? No, this..what?
Motorhead, “Ace Of Spades” – Yeah, cuz I don’t listen to that previous song. MOTORHEAD!!
So that be about it. Hope that has helped. And if you are interested in further listening, send me a dollar and a self-addressed envelope and I will keep your dollar and throw out your envelope.
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